Crystaline
by kiragecko
Summary: It is so hard to know what is going on inside your own heart. Several different characters try to discover what is going on in their hearts before they hurt those around them. ScottEmma.
1. Chapter 1

Crystalline

Part 1

The bell has rung softly and Mrs. Travers has gone to answer it. My mother has arrived. I pad to the bathroom to check my hair – it looks perfect. No need for makeup, not anymore, and I don't own any inappropriate clothes. So I sit quietly in the living room while mother dismisses the hired help. We will go out for lunch and talk politely. Do I look forward to these visits? I'm not sure; it is so hard to know what is going on inside your own heart.

She comes in and her perfect poise slips for a second. I've changed. Is she upset? It is even harder to understand my mother then it is to understand myself. She could be horrified or delighted. She could love me or hate me. She could think about me all the time or barely remember I exist. All these look the same on the smooth face in front of me. Do I care? Do I want love? Do I even know what it is?

Without thinking I've begun to rub my index finger. The one that no longer exists. My thumb caresses the jagged remains as I wait for her verdict.

"Is it diamond?"

"Crystal."

"How long ago did you lose the finger?"

"Nineteen days."

"Has it started to grow back?"

"No."

"Thank you."

With those words she accepts my transformation and the fact I will never have my finger again. They are now facts of life. So I accept them as well. We go out to lunch.

She speaks of her teaching and a little about Mr. Summers. I respond to her questions about school and the hired help. Yes, all is satisfactory. She is thinking about something else. Perhaps it even troubles her a little. Is her mask less perfect or have I learned to read her better? After the meal she returns me to the flat. We usually talk a little more now. This time she leaves immediately. She is definitely thinking about something. Am I sad? Can I still feel a sense of loss after all these visits? They all end the same.

* * *

As always, I feel the sense of loss as I leave. The daughter I don't have. This is my choice but I that doesn't mean I think it's right. I've left her alone again. A high end private school and completely professional servants. This is all I've given her. A condominium decorated entirely in brilliant white. She's never changed anything. Is it because she respects me or does she think she doesn't have the right? Does she have anyone to talk to? Did she have anyone to support her when she woke up transformed into a living crystal? Did anyone notice her finger shattering? Did it hurt? Is she still in pain? 

Is it time? Will it ever be time? There are no excuses left. There is no reason to hide her from the world. Except… Scott. And would she even say yes? I don't know her, I never have. Does she want anything to do with me? Behind those perfect manners does she hate me? Why did she have to turn out so much like me? Beautiful and cool. Untouchable. Oh Scott. What do I do?

I was young and involved with the Hellfire Club. I could not give them nor let her become that kind of weapon. They never noticed. Telepathic suggestion can be useful and when she was born she got the best nanny money could buy and was gone. And when was the right time to bring her back? When has my life been suitable for a child, even when it was full of children? All those children and none could replace her…

Does she hate me for all those children? Think I didn't care about her? Can I, should I try to reverse things now? Will I just hurt her more? Will she say no? What would I do if she did? All those years alone. What have I done to her?

* * *

Emma is upset about something. It has something to do with the trip she made yesterday, to check on her business, she said. Is something wrong with Frost Enterprises or is it something else entirely? Will she ever trust me? It's so hard to know what's going on in her mind. Unlike Jean, we don't share everything. It's nice in a way, but I don't know when she's lying to me. I want to trust her, but it's so hard. I'm starting to understand Rogue more. 

Emma keeps looking at me, as if trying to decide what I would think. About what? Do I want to know? Maybe I shouldn't think about such things. Just be happy with now and not worry. But I've always worried, it's in my nature. If you love her you should trust her, but how do you trust someone who was your enemy for that long? Especially when they won't tell you anything?

* * *

It has been only six days but my mother is back. I do not think this has ever happened. She's been gone for almost a year but never for less then a week before returning. What's wrong? Is she saying goodbye? My stomach is turning and I'm not sure why. Do I care that much? Maybe now isn't a good time to decide I do care about this woman. 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone', but I never had my mother. The domestics are leaving again and I'm waiting as usual and mother's face is different. Tighter. I don't know what that means. She's asking me how I _like_ school and living here. Not whether it is satisfactory but whether it's good. And she really wants to know what I think. She's worried about the answer. I don't know how to answer. I don't like many things. I don't dislike this place but I don't like it either. "Any place you choose is acceptable." Is that an appropriate answer? No, her eyes… I'm not sure what happens in her eyes but it isn't good and I can't make it better. I can only hope she says what she is trying to say before I do something worse. Then she does and the world swirls around me and I don't know what I'm thinking not because there is no emotion but because there are too many. Far too many. 

"Nicole, you might benefit from training in your powers. This is the specialty of the school I am teaching at. Would you consider moving to the school for a period to see if it is acceptable?"

Acceptable. The word that hurt her she uses on me. What does it mean? Acceptable for me or for her? Does she actually want me at her school? I have to answer, I can't just gape. I have to answer. Say yes. Have I? Come on, Nicole, open your mouth! Please…

"Think about it."

"You want me at the school?"

"You do not have to if you don't want to. You could commute or stay with the school you're in now. It is just a suggestion."

"I'll try it out."

Only try it out? But what else could I say? Jump up and down and yell "Thank you, thank you, thank you?" Scream at her and tell her to never come back again? She's getting me to hope and I don't know whether to hate her or love her. Being in the same place as her doesn't mean she'll talk to me; maybe she's just tired of these trips down here. I must not hope too much. I must remember that.


	2. Chapter 2

Part 2

Driving down to New York I can't help grinning like a fool. What does it matter what she wants to tell me? All that matters is that she's going to tell me the truth, that she trusts me. There are very few secrets that could upset me now. This is the woman I love and she's letting me in!

I arrive at the ritzy restaurant and give my name at the door. I feel a peace and anticipation I haven't for a while. I can see her across the room, she is talking to someone. As I get closer I can see that it's a girl. All I can see is her back. Either Emma is so caught up in the conversation she doesn't notice my entrance or she doesn't want to talk to me yet. She's nervous, I think. Why? Maybe I shouldn't be so calm. Still, unless she's leaving me I don't think she can upset me much. Or has she returned to what she was before? A disquieting notion but I push it down as I get closer. Finally she looks up and smiles. An emotionless smile. The girl turns and she introduces us.

"Nicole, this is Mr. Scott Summers, Scott this is Nicole Shaw."

The girl is made of diamond. Perfect blond hair, dressed entirely in white. Shaw. Shaw! Leader of the Hellfire Club while she was there, almost certainly Emma's lover for a while…

"Nicole is my daughter. She will be joining us at the school if you think that is fair."

So cool, bloodless. Is this for me or for her daughter?

My daughter, love. I am as passionate as always with you.

Feelings of desire, emotion, and perhaps even love flow into me and I relax again. I fell in love with a very different Emma Frost then most see and I still have difficulty being on the receiving end of the conventional version. I begin to think about her request. Her daughter at my school. Her and _Sebastian Shaw's_ daughter at my school.

I did not say she had any relation to Shaw, Scott.

There is anger, only a little, but still anger, behind that remark.

Well, sorry, but, um… Her name?

Sometimes it is beneficial to prepare for possibilities. I was in a slightly precarious position at the time.

Amusement now. Both at my awkward attempt to explain and at herself. I can feel a bit of the uncertainty she had when she had this girl, the fear. The name was to protect the child slightly from at least one person. So it might not be Shaw's kid. It was someone's kid, not mine, but I can't be upset by that because I have two and neither is hers. I have no right to deny this girl her mother and… think of all the things I could learn about her mother!

"I think it would be wonderful to have you at the school, Nicole. What grade are you in?"

I've sat down now, beside Nicole, and I'm smiling at her. She is smiling back at me but it's the same smile Emma gave me earlier.

"I am in grade eight, Mr. Summers. Thank you for allowing me to attend your school."

I debate asking her to call me Scott. She's going to be a student but she's also Emma's daughter. Would she do it, she's so formal? Would she appreciate the gesture even if she didn't call me Scott? How do you act around your lover's daughter?

* * *

Scott made the announcement, to my immense relief. He did it while I was showing her to a private room. I wondered idly how she would respond to the very different feeling of this school compared to her old one. Rich students often have trouble fitting in. Most of my mind, however, was taken up listening to the X-Men's various reactions. The shock I could handle but Robert's speculation as to how I ended up with a thirteen year old daughter was quite offensive. Others obviously had the same opinion as he was silenced forcefully. Good, he has become quite horrible and petty lately. Despite the mainly polite outward reactions, however, most people had thoughts similar to Robert's. They had always thought me a slut and this was yet another proof. I refrained from psychically lobotomising anyone and went and lay down. This had not been an easy day. Even with how wonderful Scott had been. Oh, how I love Scott! 


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

They stare at me, of course. Not for how I look, however. It seems that everyone knows my mother; everyone knows and has an opinion. Everyone is watching me to see how I measure up. I do not think they like her.

The students stare openly and ask rude questions. I do not talk to my classmates; I never have. Teenagers are stupid, immature, evil, small minded, little slugs. I don't look at them with the contempt I feel, that would be rude. I will not stoop to their level. I smile softly, nod politely, sometimes even compliment the more revolting ones on their forms of dress. It saves having to listen.

The teachers are more difficult. They know my mother better. They have some right to ask things of me. I smile and nod but also have to listen. Listen to the blades below the surface, and the disgust behind their eyes. I have practice, however, for I went to school looking as I do now. The blades find nothing to cut. I do not fight them, I give in gracefully, perfectly. Soon they will give in and I will be left alone.

Yet that isn't true. They will leave but I do not think Mr. Summers will. Unlike my mother, who asks me every day after school how I am doing and then leaves me be, Mr. Summers sneaks up on me. He catches me in the hallway between classes. He knocks on my door after supper. He grills me, expecting more then I can give. What does he want? He confuses me. I almost feel afraid when I see him. When I fail will he tell my mother to send me away? Or did my mother even want me? Perhaps he found out about me and wanted to see her skeletons. Perhaps when he has learned what he wants he will discard me, and I'll return to the apartment, and a new housekeeper. It would be easier, I think. I will be glad when he is no longer stalking me.

* * *

Nicole's shell is as perfect as her crystal form. I can see no weakness, no way to get through to her. It's maddening! She wanders the halls with that damnable smile and smiles when you talk to her and says nothing, NOTHING, just murmurs polite responses. I am getting nowhere and losing more then I can afford to lose. I'm losing Emma. 

The woman I love shut herself off even before Nicole got here. I'm not sure who she's more afraid of – Nicole or I. How can I get it through her head that I love her? If I could just get through to Nicole it might be okay, Emma would see that I love everything connected to her, but I'm getting nowhere. And Emma just smiles more and makes more nasty remarks to Kitty and I don't know what to do.

* * *

There goes the Mini-Ice-Queen. She's not in my Computers class, thank goodness. You'd think it was bad enough I have to deal with one of them but no, she comes and brings her progeny and Scott's just as brainless around the knock off. I don't know why everyone else doesn't realize he's brainwashed. 

Cool it, Pryde. You've had a bad day and your being mean. You have no clue if the kid's as bad as the mother. The smile means nothing, you'd try to hide what you felt too, if everyone treated you like we're treating Nicole.

I should go say hi. Ask her how she's fitting in. Maybe I will.

* * *

I'm doing a very bad job of this. I'm colder towards her then I ever was before. I'll try again today. Actually listen to her answers instead of the mocking in my mind. I'll – 

Katherine. She's headed towards Nicole. She's not treating MY daughter the way she treats me. Spoiled brat.

"Pryde, what a pleasant surprise."

Keep going Nicole, don't turn around.

"Frost, how good to see you."

"I see you've met my daughter. It's wonderful of you to notice another human being long enough to introduce yourself but I'm sure you have better things to do with your beloved computers."

She's watching us. Oh, Nicole, don't see me like this. Leave before one of us draws blood.

"Actually, I was just wondering if the little princess wanted an introduction to such an important part of all our lives. I noticed she didn't get the chance to join my class."

I need to walk away. As much as Logan's protégé deserves to be taken down a size, Nicole is being used as a weapon. That's the one thing I promised she would never be. Especially for a lowlife like Katherine.

"I'll be sure to talk to Scott about the horrible oversight. I'm sure it's impossible she simply wasn't interested. However, even if you aren't busy, I am. Come along Nicole."

You won't touch my daughter, Katherine Pryde. No one is going to touch Nicole.


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry it took so long. I promised myself to never upload a story without finishing it so I'm not sure what happened. Anyways, this is horribly sappy, but that's how it happened. Tell me if you like it._

_Oh, almost forgot. Never wrote a disclaimer before but most people seem to have them so I'll add one here. Not mine. Some day I might actually become egocentric enough to post the ones I claim are mine but that hasn't happened yet so don't get angry. Disclaimers are a lot like e-mail titles, they're a lot of work to think up and if I have to do them so often they'll probably get sulky soon. You don't have to read them so you'll survive. So there._

Part 4

My mother is having another fight. I don't see the point. Surely she understands the concept of smile-and-nod. Mr. Drake might be a jerk but you don't REWARD him for it! I've never seen her like this – angry, not in perfect control.

She's good. Mr. Drake is almost slinking. I wish I could do that. Now, if she just stops, while she's ahead… No. Now she's trading insults with Betsy. Why?

Oh no, Mr. Summer's is coming to her RESCUE! How could she get herself in this situation? I don't understand, why does she care about these people? Why does she let them get under her skin? Why…

I twist as my foot catches on something. I have just enough time to make sure my plate connects squarely with the face of the slime ball that tripped me before I fall. There's the sound of cracking but no pain. There's never any pain, just horror. And fear.

* * *

I'm there almost before she hits the ground. She almost kept her balance, twisting in the air for what seemed like eternity. There's glass on the ground and I wonder what was dropped absentmindedly. I'm asking if she's okay, expecting the usual polite response, but her face is covered in tears and I'm dumbfounded. I look down to the arm she's cradling and bite my lip to keep from crying out. That's where the glass came from. I'm calm in the midst of crisis, have been for most of my life, so I get one of the students to sweep up the shards and everyone else to step back. I describe how we put Emma back together while I guide Nicole to the infirmary. Emma's in her room – she really isn't getting along with the others – and I don't call her yet. Nicole needs something else right now. I'm just not sure what.

* * *

I try to stop crying but I don't want to go through it again. The finger was enough, that sense of emptiness. Not my arm! Fear brakes down the shields and I'm actually holding onto Mr. Summers, sobbing as he talks, calm and gentle, leading me down hallways and into an elevator. I wonder why he's taking me to Dr. McCoy. It's not like there's any blood. No blood. I start crying harder.

* * *

I'm carrying her by the time the elevator opens. She collapsed, perhaps from pain. Does it hurt when you shatter? I shiver as I remember Emma but not enough that this little girl in my arms will notice. For her I keep murmuring positive remarks, trying to hold her close enough to draw the fear from her.

Hank's ready. He takes her from me and launches into one of his famous monologues, grinning a mile a minute. I sit by her bedside while he natters, holding her whole hand in my own. Her grip is tight and the tears have stopped. Her eyes never leave my own. I'm not sure what the emotions I see swirling there are. I want to say something more but Hank hasn't stopped talking so I just hold on and hope that it's enough.

* * *

I'm not sure why I'm running but I can't stop. Something is wrong. My feet are racing down the stairs at the same time as my mind is racing the hallways of Scott's. He is trying to misdirect me which would make me laugh it this wasn't so important. I think it might be about Nicole.

I find the memory and the room at the same time. I have trouble seeing my daughter though a haze that covers my eyes, blurring everything. Scott's there, though, and she's holding his hand. I stand in the doorway and rub my eyes. My hands come away wet. I should be horrified but all that matters is the link between the only two people I've cared about in a long time. They're holding hands and, as my vision clears, I can see the Nicole's eyes are soft and unguarded as she draws support from Scott.

* * *

Dr. McCoy trails off into stunned silence and I turn away from Mr. Summers. I'm afraid again. He's staring at my arm and I'm worried it's fallen apart but it hasn't. It's whole. Only the jagged remains of my finger mar its perfection. How? I just remember Mr. Summers and not being afraid when he told me not to, that he was going to be here and it was going to be okay. I look around to see if anyone else did this and see my mother. She's crying. I'm too stunned by my arm to descend into shock now. Did she do this? Mr. Summers starts as he follows my eyes. He leaps to his feet and stumbles over apologies. I expect her to brush him off, to inquire coolly about my health, but she doesn't.

"Is she all right?"

There's pain in her voice! Then, Mr. Summers is giving the same assurances he gave me and I'm distracted by Dr. McCoy's hands on my arm but I keep watching them, as they embrace, as the talk quietly in each other's arms. I remember holding his hand, how it felt. I remember my mother's tears. I watch them and wonder why she trusts him. And I wonder if I could, too, someday. Maybe one day Mr. Summers will hold me like he's holding her now. Maybe one day my mother's tears will be for me. I remember her tears and wipe away my own and wonder why she DID cry while she watched us. I wipe away my tears, and try to calm down so she won't see me crying when she lets go of Mr. Summers. I don't know why I feel so good after losing control so badly.


End file.
